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Self harm is a sign of emotional distress where the person concerned is attempting to deal with underlying emotional distress or as my mother would say, attention seeking.
Ok to be fair it is in some cases looking for attention, but why would anyone be looking for that kind of attention unless there was something really wrong? At this stage I feel I should I should add that I am not a qualified doctor or psychologist but I am qualified in another way. I call it my degree in living through this. Everyday is a struggle not to revert to my old ways. So why does a seemingly bright happy person end up like this?
Well this is the bit that usually freaks out the people that I’ve told. Honestly it’s been so long since I was that bright happy person, that I cant remember what it feels like to that person anymore. I just know that I was that person once. I buried the emptiness and pain that I felt for so long that it all came out at once. It was just like a sudden outburst. Perhaps, not in the best of ways though.
It began when I was fifteen; it was September 6th 1999 to be precise. I had spent a long time beforehand wondering what it would be like to actually do it. I would try to put it to the back of my mind but it always to stay at the forefront of my mind. So eventually I did it.
I remember using the compass I had got for maths at the start of the school year. At first it was only a few cuts and scrapes. It was then I found a way of getting out all the pain I had stored up for so long. It was like a burden off my shoulders. It began to occur on a regular basis, I would be upset or angry with myself for some stupid reason so I would just do it and then I would be much better. It was a strange sort of relief for me.
By the time I was seventeen both my parents knew about it. My poor mother, one day was at her wits end and threatened to commit me in one last desperate plea for me to stop. My dad, well he has never spoken about it and probably never will. My mother’s words scared me into making my first attempts to stop. I would occasionally have slip ups but it pretty much stopped for about six months.
I was actually making progress until my friend decided to kill herself. It was back to square one. But in November 2001 it all became too much and I knew it was either get help or finally finish what I had started. With the support of my family and friends I chose help. Since then I can tell you I have had a lot of slip ups but that’s all part of getting better.
I didn’t want to kill myself really but I think I just needed to know it was always an option if life got too much for me. If you know anyone hurting themselves or you are doing it yourself , know that with time and help it gets easier. I hope maybe that anyone that reads this knows that they are not alone, because for so long I thought I was alone in this.