I want to set the record straight about my Thai girlfriend. I'm also going
to reveal how she taught me a painful lesson with a tube of KY Jelly.
By Buriram standards, she's a middle-class girl. We've known each other for
about 3 years and she's clever, funny, charming and beautiful. People who
see us together probably think that I'm batting above my average.
Through her, I've learned a lot about Thai women - particularly about how
they wind farang men around their little fingers. At first, she got
everything her own way and any resistance on my part was futile. I had to
work hard to raise my game to her level.
The key battleground was our sex-life. She would decide on the time and the
place and would keep me waiting for ages while she prettied herself up.
Incredibly, one glimpse of my spotty arse wasn't enough to send her into an
uncontrollable sexual frenzy. Of course, if our relationship was to thrive,
this would have to change.
Through an extraordinary effort of will, I made no attempt to seduce her for
an entire week. Her puzzlement soon flowered into anxiety. My actions (or
lack of them) were gnawing away at her self-confidence. That Friday, I took
her out to a decent restaurant, dusted the cobwebs off my charm and groped
her mercilessly under the table. To make sure that I had her full attention,
I got her massively drunk too.
Back in the bedroom, I chastely kissed her goodnight and turned over. As I
had hoped, her demure mask slipped right off. She went crazy and grabbed me
by the hair, screaming "Put it in, put it in, PUT IT IN!!!" Since then, I'm
happy to report that our sex-life has become much more democratic. Better
still; on the occasions when she gets too prim and proper, I love to quote
those words back to her.
I don't get the better of her very often, though. It takes constant effort
and imagination to stop her getting too cheeky. Recently, I decided to play
my trump card - anal sex.
Knowing that she would disagree with everything I said, I goaded her into
making reckless wagers about various true and false statements. It didn't
take long for her to gamble away her back-door virginity ten-times over.
Luckily for her, though, I had no serious intension of shagging her up the
wrong'un (She's my sweet Thai girlfriend, for heaven's sake!) and her
chocolate starfish remains unmolested to this day.
There are two good reasons for threatening to pop your girlfriend's brown
cherry without actually inflicting it on her. Firstly, you earn extra points
for treating her with respect and, secondly, she might try harder to please
you in other ways. It's a classic win win strategy - or so I thought.
She gave me my comeuppance at our local Tesco Lotus convenience store. I
didn't see her sneaking off to the pharmacy counter but she came back waving
a tube of KY Jelly like a trophy. From the broad grin on her face, I knew
that something bad was about to happen. "It's for my bum!" she announced.
The check-out girls didn't speak English but, unfortunately, the pharmacist
did and he gave them the translation. I can still hear their laughter
ringing in my ears.
I'm too ashamed to return to Tesco Lotus but sometimes, when I walk past,
the pharmacist gives me a cheeky wave. It joins the ever-growing list of
places I can't go to in Thailand because I made such a tit of myself the
last time. Game, set and match to my girlfriend, I think. The KY Jelly
remains in the bathroom cabinet - unopened.
